Miniatures: The Very Short Fiction of John Scalzi Page 2
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Scenario #1
Event: ADOLF HITLER is KILLED by MUGGING ATTEMPT ON THE STEPS OF THE ACADEMY OF FINE ARTS VIENNA
As a result: World War I proceeds; Weimar Republic proceeds; World War II delayed until 1948; US drops atomic bomb on Berlin in 1952; Neil Armstrong first man on the moon, 1972
Scenario #2
Event: ADOLF HITLER is KILLED by OPIUM JUNKIE LOOKING FOR MONEY
As a result: World War I proceeds; Weimar Republic proceeds; World War II averted; Germany and Britain form economic union, declare war on France in 1958; Malcolm Evans first man on the moon, 1975
Scenario #3
Event: ADOLF HITLER is KILLED by RUNAWAY HORSE-DRAWN WAGON FILLED WITH BRATWURST, THE FOURTH SUCH FATALITY IN VIENNA IN SIX DAYS
As a result: Vienna passes tough horse-drawn vehicle laws, prompting the quick acceptance of automobiles; Austria becomes automotive industrial powerhouse; World War I proceeds, Germany and allies win thanks to technological advances; 30s worldwide depression averted; Willy Brandt first man on the moon, 1958
Scenario #4
Event: ADOLF HITLER is KILLED by MULTIPLE KNIFE WOUNDS BY JEALOUS GAY LOVER WHO THINKS HIS BOYFRIEND IS CHEATING ON HIM WITH HITLER, WHO IN FACT IS TOTALLY INNOCENT AND HASN’T HAD SEX OF ANY SORT IN MONTHS, MUCH LESS GAY VIENNESE SEX
As a result: The trial of Felix von Weingartner, director of the Vienna Opera and the closeted, murdering gay lover in question, shocks and delights Viennese society; Hitler’s watercolors, formerly unsellable, become a hot commodity on the auction circuit before the novelty wears off. Hitler’s sister awarded a settlement; World War I proceeds, Germany and allies win; 30s depression not averted; virulent flu wipes out 38% of European population; US becomes world power; John Glenn first man on the moon, 1956
Scenario #5
Event: ADOLF HITLER is KILLED by SUFFOCATION WHEN INEXPLICABLY ENCASED IN AN ENORMOUS BLOCK OF UNFLAVORED GELATIN
As a result: Hitler only a random test subject for Gelatin Encasing Weapon, developed by the Russian aristocracy from technology pulled out of the spaceship that caused the Tunguska Event of June 30, 1908; the GEW subsequently used to assassinate enemies of Tsar Nicholas II, and then world leaders; World War I begins when Archduke Franz Ferdinand is spontaneously encased in gelatin while riding in a 1911 Graf und Stift Rois De Blougne tourer in Sarajevo and Young Bosnia opportunistically claims credit; World War I subsequently ends in 1915 when entire German divisions are gelatinized; Russia becomes sole super power; Vladimir Putin first man on the moon, 1988
Scenario #6
Event: ADOLF HITLER is KILLED by BULLET WOUND IN CROSSFIRE BETWEEN TIME-TRAVELING ANTI-NAZIS SENT BACK TO KILL HIM AND TIME-TRAVELING NAZIS SENT BACK TO PREVENT HIS ASSASSINATION
As a result: Causality loop annihilates time and space surrounding Vienna, knocking everyone in the city back to 1529 and the eve of the First Turkish Seige; as the 20th century Viennese use their historical knowledge to help the 16th Century Viennese, time-traveling pro-Viennese forces appear and fight a pitched battle with time-traveling pro-Ottoman forces, pushing everyone back to 955 and the Battle of Lechfeld; when the time-traveling pro-Magyar forces show up, they are slaughtered by everyone else which is tired of all this time-traveling crap, thereby ending the causality loop. Vienna becomes world power; Henry Jasomirgott first man on the moon, 1155
Scenario #7
Event: ADOLF HITLER is KILLED by MARATHON FORNICATION BY SIX VIENNESE PROSTITUTES
As a result: Prostitutes arrested and revealed as libidinous time-travelers from a very sexy future who teach the Viennese their futuristic ways of astro-pleasure; Janine Lindemulder first woman on the moon, 1996
Scenario #8
Event: ADOLF HITLER is KILLED by VAPORIZATION WHEN METEOR HITS HIM SQUARE ON THE HEAD
As a result: No noticeable historical changes arise from event at all. However, as the meteor is a precursor to a massive asteroid cruising toward Earth, human history had only 22 hours, 16 minutes to develop from that point before being obliterated. Humanity wiped out along with Hitler and 93% of all species; society of rats rises and falls; society of frogs rises and falls; society of pillbugs rises and falls; society of squid rises and sticks; Gluugsnertgluug first squid on the moon, 2,973,004,412
Written after the de-planetization of Pluto in 2006. I’m still bitter about it.
Pluto Tells All
By Pluto, ex-planet, 4,500,000,000 years old
As told to John Scalzi
I don’t want to sound like I was surprised, but yeah, I was surprised. Because just before, they were talking about adding planets, right? Me and Eris and possibly Ceres, and it looked like that proposal was getting good play. So it looked good, and Charon and I thought it’d be okay to take a break and get a little alone time. So there we are relaxing and then suddenly my agent Danny’s on the phone, telling me about the demotion. And I say to him, I thought you had this taken care of. That’s what you told me. And he said, well, they took another vote. And then he started trying to spin the demotion like it was a positive. Look at Phil Collins, he said. He was an ex-member of Genesis but then he had this huge solo career. And I said, first, Phil Collins sucks, and second, I’m not exactly the lead singer of the solar system, am I? This isn’t the Phil Collins scenario, it’s the Pete Best scenario. I’m the Pete Best of the goddamn solar system. So I fired Danny. Now I’m with CAA.
No, really. Phil Collins does suck. I’m sorry, but there it is. Good drummer, but a lot of his sound is from his producer, Hugh Padgham. You want to sound like Phil Collins? Have your producer drop in a noise gate. Done. And his singing. Oy. Funny thing is, in the 80s, Phil was in talks to play me in a science fiction comedy. He dropped out of it and made Buster instead. The movie deal fell apart after that. I lost some money on that. I have some issues with Phil Collins.
The funny thing about the demotion is that I never actually wanted to be a planet, you know? I was out here minding my own business and then suddenly Clyde Tombaugh is staring at me. And the next thing I know, people start calling me and telling me I’m the newest planet. And I remember saying, I don’t know if I want that responsibility. And they said, well, you can’t not be a planet now, Walt Disney’s already named a character after you. That’s really what made me a planet. Not the astronomers, but that cartoon dog. People loved that dog.
Ironically, I’m a cat person.
I’m not going to sue. Who am I going to sue? You think the International Astronomical Union has any money to speak of? There’s a reason the most popular event at an astronome
r’s conference is the free buffet.
I try to look at it philosophically. Seventy-six years is a fine run. And now I’m sort of the spokesperson for an entirely new class of objects: The dwarf planets. I understand it’s meant to be something of a consolation prize, but you know what, there are more of us dwarf planets out here than anything else. If we’re talking “one dwarf planet, one vote,” you’re going to find we’re setting the agenda on a lot of things.
I might make a comeback. There are some groups rebelling against the new definition right now. And there are a lot of people telling me they want to work with me. It’s not just NASA anymore. Let’s just say CAA is earning its fee.
Yes, I’m excited about the New Horizons mission. But I wish you guys could have found a way to get one of the Voyagers my way. I wanted to listen to that record.
I think most people know I had no direct involvement in The Adventures of Pluto Nash. That movie took place on your moon, folks.
“Dwarf planet” is a misnomer. If I sit in your lap, you’re gonna feel me.
“Plutoed”? Has anyone ever actually used that word? Even I don’t use it, and it happened to me. I think it’s some sort of urban myth.
The worst thing about it all is that Eris feels like it’s her fault, like if she’d never been discovered then they wouldn’t have had an excuse to kick me out. She’s a sweet kid. She shouldn’t have to feel like it has anything to do with her.
Yes, it’s cold this far out from the sun. But look, I’m mostly made of ice. I get any closer, I’d get melty, and then suddenly I’m the size of Vesta. Then I really will be a dwarf planet.
No, no. Some of my best friends are asteroids.
I’ll tell you when I think the problem started. A few years ago the director of the Rose Center for Earth and Space asked for a favor. A big fat unethical favor. I said to him that I was too big to fit in a jail cell but he was just the right size, and I didn’t want that for him. He got snippy, I got snippy back, but I thought that was that—it’s business. A little while later they do that panorama of the solar system of theirs, and I’ve been dropped from it, and the Rose Center spokesman is saying I’m the “King of the Trans-Neptunian Objects” in that patronizing way of his. I should have done the director his favor and let him rot when he got caught.
It’s not what you think. Just because I’m named for the god of the underworld, it doesn’t mean I have connections.
I have problems with the new definition, yeah. What is this “sweep your lane” shit? Let me toss Eris at your planet and see what sort of job Earth does sweeping the lane. I don’t think you’d like the result. Look, when people want you gone, they’ll use any excuse. Simple as that.
Also, highly elliptical orbits are fun. You don’t know what you’re missing, people.
One thing about something like this is you find out who your friends are. Jupiter couldn’t have been nicer during the whole thing. Saturn’s been a real sweetheart, too. And Neptune—well, we go way back. We’re simpatico, always have been. But some others, eh. Not so nice.
No, I don’t want to name names. They know who they are.
Oh, fine. Mercury. I got into the club, and Mercury was suddenly my best buddy. And I thought, well, okay—we’re close to the same size, both of us have eccentric orbits, we’ve both got a 3:2 resonance thing going on. Similarities, you know? So we hang out, get to know each other, fine, whatever. Then the IAU vote comes down and I haven’t heard from him since. Like the demotion might be catching or something. He may be right; he’s not exactly a brilliant lane-sweeper himself.
Evidence? Well, you know. It’s not that he has an unusually thick iron core; it’s that he’s got an unusually thin silicate skin. Where did the rest of it go? So much for lane-sweeping. See, now you know why he’s so damn twitchy. A perfect example of small planet syndrome.
No, I don’t have small planet syndrome. I have dwarf planet syndrome. Didn’t you get the memo?
You know who else have been nice? Moons. If anyone had reason to be bitter about me being made a planet, it was them. Hell, you can’t tell me Titan doesn’t deserve to be a planet: He’s got an atmosphere, for God’s sake. Not one of them ever said anything against me. The day I got demoted, Titan calls up, says “you wuz robbed” and then tells me dirty jokes until I nearly throw up laughing. We should swap him for Mercury.
I have nothing bad to say about Earth. Good planet. Friendly. Too bad you people are making her all itchy recently. If I were her I would be considering a topical application of a meteor right about now. You’re lucky she’s tolerant.
One of the good things about the whole fracas was once it was settled, Eris finally got a permanent name. Being called “Xena” really ticked her off. She said that when Uranus was discovered, his temporary name was “Georgium Sidus,” after King George III of England. He got a national leader, she got a butch TV character. I told her I didn’t really think she wanted to be named “Dubya,” and she said I had a point. Then I said her moon would have been named “Cheney,” and then she hit me.
It hurts when you’re hit by a dwarf planet. She’s bigger than me, you know.
I would have preferred the term “ice planet” myself. Some of the “dwarf” planets out here are going to mess with that definition once you discover them.
No, I won’t tell you where they are. Find them yourself. You guys are good at that.
Life on other planets? You know, I’m paid really well not to comment about that.
I will say that if there is life on other planets, that they’d wish you’d stop beaming “lite hits” music stations into space. I’m not the only one out here who has Phil Collins issues. Theoretically.
This 2008 piece asks and answers the question: Who arranges appearances for super heroes?
Denise Jones, Superbooker
(TRANSCRIPT BEGINS)
Q:Please state your name and your occupation.
A:My name is Denise Jones, and I’m the Super Hero Booking Coordinator for the International Society of Super Beings, formerly the National League of Super Beings, formerly The Liberty Friends.
Q:First off: Do you yourself have any super powers?
A: Not unless booking counts as a super power, no. I got the job through Craigslist.
Q:What does a booking coordinator do, in the context of super beings?
A:Well, as you know, cities and countries all over the world are under constant threat from terrorists, organized crime, natural disasters, arch villains and monsters both alien and supernatural. When these cities and countries find themselves under attack, they’ll give me a call and I’ll find them a super being affiliated with the ISSB to help them deal with whatever crisis they’re dealing with at the moment.
Q:So you’re saying that if Chicago were attacked by a sewer monster or something, the mayor would have to go through you to get help from ArachnoLad.
A: No, Chicago keeps ArachnoLad on a retainer. The Evening Stalker, too. Most large cities have one or two super beings under contract.
Q:So, Chicago pays ArachnoLad for protection?
A:You make it sound like a mob racket. It’s more like a consulting and services fee. In exchange for certain considerations, Chicago can expect ArachnoLad to be a first responder to any arch villain or monster attack, with a certain number of contractually-agreed-to nights and evenings in which ArachnoLad freelances against common thugs and criminals, for deterrence purposes.
Q:When you say “certain considerations,” you’re talking about money.
A:Sure.
Q:That kind of goes against the idea of super beings doing this sort of thing out of the goodness of their hearts.
A:Well, do you work for free?
Q:No, but I’m not a super being.
A:Even super beings have to eat.
Q:I thought that was what secret identities were for. So they could have bill-paying day jobs.
A:Super beings haven’t had day jobs since pagers and Blackberrys hit the mark
et. There’s no way you can get away from work anymore. And when Chicago is being attacked by a sewer monster, it doesn’t want to have to wait for ArachnoLad to find some clever way to sneak out of a sales meeting. That’s just stupid.
Q:Okay. Chicago and ArachnoLad notwithstanding, walk us through how someone gets a super being out of you.
A:All right. As I said before, most of the major cities in the US have a super being or two on retainer. So the calls I get are usually from mid-sized cities.
Q:Like, what, Oklahoma City?
A:Oklahoma City actually just put The Invisible Avenger under retainer.
Q:I thought he was in Seattle.
A:He was. Oklahoma offered him better terms. You know how it is. City gets ambitious. So not Oklahoma City. Let’s say Fresno.
Q:Fresno it is.
A: Fresno has no in-house super being, so when disaster strikes, they give me a call. We look at the nature of their issue, who among the ISSB roster is available and appropriate, and then work to find someone who can respond on an expedited basis.
Q:So, let’s say that Fresno is being attacked by a monster.
A:What kind of monster?
Q:A big one.
A:That’s not specific enough. Is it an alien monster? Is it some sort of mutated animal? Is it shooting laser beams out of its eyes or does it have fire breath? Can it fly? Is it actually a massive colony of smaller creatures that form together and combine intelligences? All of this matters, you know.
Q:Yeah, but if the city is under attack, I don’t think you’d have time to stop the monster and ask it what its weaknesses are.
A:Of course not. That’s why we have the standard questionnaire.
Q:The monster’s attacking and you’re giving a questionnaire?
A:It’s not that long. And by that point city officials are motivated to respond quickly.